- My daughter called me from college every day, crying because she hated school.
- Parents told me not to answer her, but I did anyway because I knew it would help her.
- I also told her she could come home whenever she wanted, which gave her a way out.
Moving my daughter into college came with the expected emotions: tears, excitement, and a healthy dose of nerves. Hugging goodbye, we kept smiling, but the tears were just below the surface. Change always feels hard, but I had no idea this was just the beginning of a long road.
In high school, my daughter took advanced placement and early college classes. She worked hard, graduated with a great GPA, and got into every school she applied to. College was the next step, and she was ready.
But everything came crashing down once I left her on campus to finally start this next phase. My daughter called me crying, telling me she hated college. I didn't know how to help her.
My daughter struggled to adjust to college life
At first, everything seemed fine. Her classes were great, and her first assignments reflected the high grades she had earned in high school. While I expected a period of homesickness, what I didn't expect was how deeply unhappy she would be.
She called daily, crying and declaring how much she hated it and missed home. She was committed to her honors program and coursework, but every conversation made clear that this wasn't just a difficult adjustment. It was something more.
It came down to her being uncomfortable in her environment. She missed being somewhere familiar and having the regular support of family.
After a month, it became clear that no amount of encouragement or waiting would change her feelings. My daughter felt trapped and stuck in a situation she hated.
Supporting her was going to be key
Because my daughter was already independent and capable, I had to carefully consider how best to help her, on her terms.
Despite advice from other parents, I picked up the phone every time she called. Sometimes, we barely talked; she just needed to feel less alone. Other times, she poured out everything that felt wrong. Sometimes, I reminded her that she could do hard things.
There were tears every single time. I learned to stop reacting to them and let her feel whatever she needed.
Her friends — and other parents I knew — insisted she stay on campus every weekend to adjust. While this advice works for many, it didn't work for her. So I told her to come home on the weekends. Since we were in-state, it was feasible and made all the difference.
During a hard week at school, she knew she only needed to make it through a few more days before coming home. This motivated her and helped her push through when it felt hard.
We took drastic measures that helped my daughter better adapt
She wasn't interested in the support services offered on campus that typically help many college students in similar situations. Instead, we found a virtual counselor who provided coping strategies and decision-making tools that actually helped.
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I also surprised both of us with my advice: I told her she could leave the college — for good.
Giving her permission to leave reminded her that she chose to be there. That shift changed everything. It gave her the freedom to leave, but it also gave her ownership over staying.
Ultimately, she decided to stay at the school. She moved off campus for her sophomore year and has been much happier having her own space. Some separation between the school and where she lives has been key.
I had to go against parenting advice to do what was right for my kid
At the peak of my daughter's struggles, I turned to other parents for help. Most told me to ensure my daughter stayed on campus and just power through. They also told me not to answer the phone every time she called so that she could deal with these issues herself.
These can be helpful guidelines — if they work for your child. Those tips didn't work for my kid.
Instead of following generic advice, I trusted my gut and listened to what I knew about my daughter. That made all the difference.