- For Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions.
- This week, a reader wants to change their mindset around spending money.
- Our columnist says they should start by assessing what they value about their savings.
- Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
Dear For Love & Money,
My whole life, I was taught to be a saver. Saving for tomorrow. Saving in case. Saving because it's better than spending willy-nilly.
But now, tomorrow is here. I'm 60, and at this point, I think it's time to spend more than a little. Maybe even go a bit crazy just because I can.
It is not as easy as most people think to change this particular mindset. How do I go from being a lifelong saver to someone who knows how to spend?
Sincerely,
Retirement Is Here
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Dear Retirement Is Here,
I commend you on your self-awareness and desire to grow. Your feeling that you know how to save but not how to spend is truly insightful. While both saving and spending are important skills to learn, you're hardly alone in only knowing how to do the former well.
We're taught the power of money and the importance of hanging onto it from the cradle, but spending, for so many of us, is simply a reaction. A thing we do to survive, engage, and indulge. No one teaches us how to spend for the same reason no one teaches us to breathe. They assume we'll figure it out as we go because we must.
And yet, like breathing, there are more effective, life-giving ways to do it than others. While rotely participating in the economy might get the job done, smart spending will go a long way toward giving us the satisfying, joyful lives we deserve. Your recognition that there is a better way tells me you already have everything you need to find it.
To learn this new skill, however, you may have to unlearn many of the ideas that made you so great at saving. How we use our money goes beyond practice; it's our worldview in action. You said it best in your letter: You spent your life "saving for tomorrow." Covering your bases not only for now but also for later is the epitome of responsibility.
Remember the fable of the ant and the grasshopper — the grasshopper fiddled away his summer, while the ant spent hers working, preparing for the winter ahead. I'm sure you can imagine which insect survived to see the spring.
That said, a saver's mentality is future-focused, while someone skilled at spending is grounded in the present. The future-focused mindset is often motivated by worry. Like the ant, that worry is usually based on a valid forecast of dormant crops and bad weather ahead.
The issue arises when worry becomes a habit, and the rational forecast morphs into a constant state of doom. Saving and spending, like most things, exist best in balance with the other. You can plan for the future while enjoying the present.
To find this balance, you must examine your relationship with money — the beliefs you hold about it, what you believe it says about you, and what you think it's there for. You wrote me for the sole purpose of changing your mindset from a saver to a spender, which tells me your value is living your best life now, not snoozing through it like a dragon on its bed of gold. Compare your beliefs about money with this value. If they aren't compatible, let them go.
Sometimes, however, they are compatible even if they may not seem that way at first glance. You just have to get creative. For example, if you believe that "holding onto money keeps me safe," you can hire a financial planner to help you protect your retirement years. If being successful looks like leaving money to your loved ones when you die, you might set up a trust. Once you've secured these old financial goals, you are free to make new ones — this time, for spending.
If we have any spending goals at all, most of us don't aim for anything higher than not being stressed about every purchase we make. When you have such shapeless plans, your results end up being about the same. This is the secret to spending well: Get specific. Set real goals. Pay attention to your desires. Get curious about why you enjoy the things that you do.
When our spending is reactionary, there's usually a voice in the back of our minds screaming, "You should be saving this money!" So, we feel guilty after each purchase and want to justify it to ourselves. We deserve this. Image is important. It's a one-off. It meant a lot to our loved ones, and on it goes.
What gets lost in this defensive spiral is how the experience actually felt. Take some time and observe what things bring you joy and meaning, and then set your goals accordingly. Use your imagination and have fun with the details. If you want to travel, where do you want to go? What kind of place do you want to stay? Is flying first class important to you? Who do you want to bring?
We all have fantasies of who we would like to be — the generous friend, the worldly-wise aunt, the cowboy. Money can't buy our personalities, but it can buy a lifestyle, and isn't that the true dream? Knowing what it's like to buy the whole bar a round of drinks, go snorkeling in the Great Barrier Reef, or ride a horse to survey your own land?
The money is yours to spend, so buy your dreams.
Rooting for you,
For Love & Money
Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
