- For Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions.
- This week, a reader's son feels his girlfriend should not have had to pay to replace a broken vase.
- Our columnist says the best thing is to be willing to pay for it, but not to get caught up in further arguments.
- Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
Dear For Love & Money,
My kids are all in their 20s, and my son has been dating a young woman for three years. She is practically family, and I adore her.
The kids were all horsing around in the living room with a tennis ball someone brought in from the yard, and when my son's girlfriend tossed it, she accidentally took out a $120 bowl that was sitting on the table.
She was mortified, couldn't apologize enough, and asked me where she could find a replacement. I did everything I could to reassure her that I wasn't angry, and I honestly just gave her the purchase details because it seemed like the quickest way to stop her from feeling so badly about it.
I guess she had no idea how much it would cost because although she ordered me a new one and had it shipped to me directly, my son called me upset over making her spend so much on what was an accident. He brought up the time my dog chewed up his girlfriend's purse, which was apparently worth several hundred dollars, and they hadn't told me because they didn't want to stress me out.
I don't know what to do. Should I pay her back for the bowl? Should I offer to pay for the purse? I hate that they're angry at me, but they're also adults and should be able to stand by their decisions. I feel like they are going to be mad at me no matter what I do.
Sincerely,
Just Want Everyone to be Happy
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Dear Just Want,
If you don't desperately need the money, you have nothing to lose by repaying her for the bowl and offering to pay for her purse as well. The kids, or, more accurately, the adults in question, might be mad at you no matter what you do, but what better way to highlight this than by disarming them entirely? Reading your story, I recognize a level of immaturity in your son and his girlfriend that I remember coursing through my own veins at that age, but I called it righteous indignation, and no one could tell me anything.
Between the mother and son, potential mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, and boyfriend and girlfriend relationship dynamics at play, it makes sense that not everyone is perfectly happy with one another all the time. When a crisis arises, it's easy for someone in your son's position to say, "I'm picking her side."
That means parents are sometimes forced into the role of the bully, even when that's the farthest thing from the truth. As maddening as it must feel to be in this position, remember that it's about your son and his girlfriend figuring out their relationship and has little to do with how either of them truly feels about you.
That said, you don't have to play along with the drama. Your son is choosing his girlfriend, which, despite how much you love and accept her into your family, must feel scary in light of the future they are building together.
This is why it is essential you remain the mature one in the relationship. Refuse to behave like the bully they have cast you as. Instead, strive to be the kind, fair cheerleader of their relationship who, whether they recognize it or not, they need you to be.
Some of your uncertainty stems from recognizing them as adults who need to stand by their financial decisions. You're completely right, and yet, I'll refer you back to my own experience at that age: You couldn't tell me anything.
Twenty-somethings are new adults who have recently learned, after a lifetime of wondering how they will handle adulthood, that they are great at it. This confidence boost is significant enough that they are rarely interested in their mom's take on etiquette — or anything else. In other words, there is no point in trying to defend yourself or reason with them.
The best thing you can do is to set an example of dignified humility and kindness. Reach out to your son and get the details of his girlfriend's lost handbag. If he tells you that this isn't what they were looking for, accept their stance and don't push the issue. The last thing you need to do is be embroiled in further drama.
As for the bowl, I would pay her back and give her a call. Tell her that you're sorry you let her pay you back in the first place; you just thought it was the quickest way to put the silly accident to bed. However, your main objective is always for her to feel welcome and loved in your home.
Rooting for you,
For Love & Money
Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
